About last year...
The amazingly stressful, painful, frustrating, beautiful year....
I’ve always considered myself a person who tries to hold it together. But, that’s not always possible. No matter how hard we try. There’s circumstances and situations beyond our control that can appear in an instant. I always knew this, but I didn’t contemplate it.
I was in real bad physical shape and in turn, it made me mentally ill, it made me feel emotionally sick. I felt the pain every day. But I still tried holding it together. I still kept on pretending. I was stubborn. The human body doesn’t always feel good. Be it emotional or physical, be it reasonable or puzzling. It is acceptable for you and I, to not be “alright.”
I didn’t think of the need for Brain Surgery at 28. I didn’t consider having to be taken care of. I didn’t consider having to relearn how to talk, walk, write, and all the other things we take for granted. I didn’t consider the need to forget it all and reset.
It’s very important for you to all know that I did not pray. I didn’t ask for a superior being to spare me, I didn’t ask for atonement, and I didn’t ask for personal relief. That being said,
It would be too quick and too ignorant to dismiss it to all to mere chance. But certainly, it would be hasty of myself to try and explain why things happened the way they did. I do not wish to explain a purpose, I hold very little interest in it. Hospital =s aside, its not an entirely negative experience, I hit the fucking lottery (of life, I still have very little money).
I’ve found an appreciation for understanding. I’ve found a greater appreciation for thoughts that differ from mine. I’ve even learned how to benefit from discomfort. Without it, there is little growth. And knowing this, amongst other things, grounds me. It is a feeling that I hope will last as long as possible. It is a feeling that helped fill a gap the tumor left. It is a feeling that I hope to share with you.
2018 has been the worst and best year of my life. The past 10 months have been surreal. It’s a bit unfair to the first 6 months of 2018. I’m sure there’s good memories from that time. But it can’t all be the absolute best.
Anyhow, the downtime was ultimately enjoyable. Some much needed maintenance. A chance to hit the power button, walk away, and think. We don’t have enough of those times.
It’s human nature to question. Its human nature to want more. It’s human nature to care too much, or care too little, or care wrongly. So be considerate of yourself, be considerate to others. Encourage and nurture growth, welcome some change, and encourage different ideas. Be the voice of reason and support. Be the voice that works for our cumulative benefit. We’re in this together. If it were otherwise, it would be a hell of a lot less interesting. But, don’t take it all so serious. I would hate for you to miss out.
Take it easy & keep it sleazy,
Chris